My Past and my Pain Cant Confine Me~

  Hey readers good afternoon; I hope you all are doing the very best you can. I have decided to write a entry from a assignment I did for my therapist a few years back, but I have a strong feeling that a lot of you will be able to relate to what I have written. Its real and its raw.

I wrote about Anger, my anger was a part of me for a very long time. My anger was not” oh why me “My anger was turned inward most of the time. My depression was turned inward for years; it was because my bipolar had such a grasp on my life. I was in a web of a vicious cycle. Angry for many reasons, Angry for being bullied at school, For many years. Angry that my innocence was taken and my trust shaken when I was raped. I was angry that depression had reared its ugly head, and I had to find the strength to fight that monster every day, trying with every breath I took to find a reason to keep living. Though the reasons were all around me, I just could not see through the bleakness and the dark clouds.

   I was angry when don and I first got married and we lost our precious little one, never to hold her in our arms, only our hearts and only memories of what could have been. I was angry when loved ones passed away especially when my mother in law passed because the bond we had was indescribable. Angry when my parents divorced after 25 years of marriage. Angry that after those years after our miscarriage, we dealt with infertility and still do to this day. I was angry when I got diagnosed with  a rare form of tumors a  form of cancer that though it could not kill me, I could and did end up with many complications and I just didn’t get it once I got it twice. Angry that all the hard work I did in college had to stop. Angry after years of not working then able to get a job in something I had a passion for I had to stop working again. For this time, I was facing a completely new set of health problems! I had overcome so much already… but I felt like I had every right to be angry!

  I had dealt with 9 inpatient hospital stays as a result of my depression, I used to be on 24 pills a day alone for my bipolar. In addition, self-injury too, I pushed through all that to beat the odds, starting to see dreams come true… for it all to be taken away again that made me angry! Now being diagnosed with IC(Interstitial Cystitis) fibromyalgia, Pelvic floor disorder, arthritis,Myofasical pain syndrome, and possible Endometroisos still waiting to find out about that. I have learned to let go of false expectations! I have learned to love myself, and have to remind myself that all that I have overcome and been through with Gods strength! I’m  still here aren’t I,  even after all that, by Gods mighty hands holding me, I’m still here fighting each day, but I’m stable now with my mental health praise God!

  I learned that the blade was not my friend, but a way of covering up the real pain, pain I had been running from, pain I was trying to numb! It never was a friend! I now had to face what is, and that’s I’m a chronic pain patient!, my life won’t ever be the same. We all know pain changes people it can, but only if you do not let it define YOU! It could change you for the better, and you come out stronger  than before with a greater appreciation for   your life and the good days and more empathy for others struggling ,or will you hide away the rest of your life when you have so much potential. You just have to stop being afraid of what could be and embrace help and what plans God wants to accomplish through you! Therefore, here is the poem that I wrote along with this entry!

                                                     You wanted the best of me

  A cold room she sits alone by the window as the hours tick by, it feels like a eternity, this moment in time time stands still, but its over before she closes her eyes. The new day dawns and she struggles once more to open her eyes,  to face the music, the news, is this her new reality, will this be the norm? This time around its different, it’s not just a experience, this pain of mine doesn’t go away, when the day is done and the night comes… it’s still there lingering…. The coldness, the darkness, the isolation of feeling alone in this! Has it come to this point? Where little can be done for my pain treatment after treatment the doctor’s words echo through her ears! It tried to engulf my spirit. Pain so relentless I cannot find the words to speak.

 If I cry, the tears will not let up. You want to wake from this nightmare and make it all just disappear! you have seen your hopes and your dreams slip through your fingers , one by one..YOU found another reason to be angry! At times so depressed you are angry or so angry you are depressed, the cycle begins once again! How do I get off this merry go round of emotional highs and gut wrenching lows! It is not God I am angry at, but my pain, this disease! What ic has taken from me, what it wants, but in no way do I want it to define me! I want my life back! I am taking back the reigns was at the bottom of the pit, then came out on top, only for ic to rock my world and rock it to the core! I am not about to roll over and give up! IC you wanted the best of me…

 NO the best is yet to come! Help me Lord; release the hold you are not taking me down with you! You cannot have my hopes and my dreams! You are a part of me, but never will YOU ever define me, NO! I still have much to give and much life to live and I’m going to do it the best I know how, for my past is not part of my future, one day, one moment at a time, I’m ready to take this on and the chains of anger no longer hold me cell bound! The end!( this poem I wrote about my depression about dealing with my ic and other chronic pain, but anyone can relate to it  regarding their depression) the end~

Use Your Story to Find your Voice~

 As a writer, I think a lot about the world around me, and how society plays a role in how the outside world views mental health.  I have dealt with depression and bipolar for so long though ive been stable for years, and I continue on that road of living a life of mental stability. I want to challenge each of you to rise above the ashes of what you see your life to be. You there; Don’t just sit in the cell and be a prisoner of your illness if you need help reach out your hand if you have a story to tell which we all do, speak out. don’t sit in silence, not for one minute longer, because the longer we sit in silence the longer it will take for the stigma  that surrounds mental health to fall to the way side.

  Yes were only one person you say, but one person can make a change, especially if a lot of us stand up and speak out to the world around us. You see I’m doing my part, don’t say, I m not a good writer, tell what you know, what you know is what you’ve been through, no one has felt your feelings the way you do, or gone through it exactly like you have. Do not say you cannot speak, speak to your friends, your coworkers, your family, anyone who will take the time to listen to a story of a life, your life that matters, your life which is worth fighting for!

 The words of a poem are coming to me….

   “Words”

  My heart bleeds my tears, for all the lost, the lost and forgotten years, years that I let fall to the wayside, because I did not speak, I could not find  my voice, I did not believe that I could. I had to search, deep within myself to pull out my courage, my dreams that I thought were long gone. My words were written as scars that I wore, words that I tired to speak, but just could not find that strength I needed to step out of that prisoner cell, four walls that enveloped me for so long, walls that kept me safe from the outside world, there was  no bridge to cross.

  I had felt every loss. yes at times I felt like I was at the end of my rope; I didn’t just want to tie a knot, I wanted to let go and  just find that release, but something deep inside started to stir my heart., deep down I knew I had the strength of a lion, yet had lost my will to be brave, I could not make a sound, for each word fell on deaf ears. Night after night, the tears fell from my eyelids, but each time i cried I found the strength to get up once more. I wanted to hid away, but something told me to stay put, to take my stand, to lift my head, and as I did I finally found my voice once again and the words I longed to speak flooded my lips once more! The end~

 So my friends, DEPRESSION does not need to hold you hostage, its not a death sentence, and your not weak, in fact your some of the strongest people I know so find your voice and speak the words that are in your heart  because your story is not finished yet!