How Does One Handle the Dignosis?

         Good evening my readers, I realize the days I take off from blogging, just how much I miss doing it, but like with everything in life, there needs to be an equal healthy balance. Today’s topic is about “How do you deal with that official diagnosis?”Many of you are starting out on this journey; others have walked it for quite some time. We know everyone handles circumstances different, that’s what makes us all so amazingly unique.

        The question I’m throwing out there today is. How do you handle the news when the doctor says… you have bipolar? Do you run, and deny the truth? Do you accept it and learn to cope? Do you get angry and fight against it? Are you afraid and just shut down? All these are normal feelings to have when given such news. But I can reassure you, it’s not the end, it’s how we embrace and react, that will make all the difference.

        I’ve heard people give different answers to this question? Many of them have felt so alone and isolated, and many never even realized that they weren’t alone. Others whose families did not give any kind of support and   they just looked the other way or looked at you like you were trying to get attention. Nothing hurts more than when those who are suppose to be our family lack in the compassion area .I’ve been very blessed over the years to have an Amazing supportive family.

        It can feel like you’ve been hit by a ton of bricks, that this is a life sentence and that you will forever be tied to the label of a diagnosis of bipolar. As with any struggle we face in this life, there is HOPE… even if we feel it’s a thread, there is Hope! When we surround ourselves with others who are dealing with this too, who have already been down this road and have learned to cope, seek those individuals out, they are the ones who can help light the way.

      Don’t shut down, reach out for help, we weren’t meant to walk this life alone, WE need one another. I encourage you all to work on changing your view, it won’t happen all at once, and I can reassure you feelings of all kinds will come, but knowing you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, there is a NAME to it, and you know there is Help out there, can make a world of difference in hearing a diagnosis and becoming prisoner to it, verses hearing it, and learning what it means and how to live a productive and beautiful life you so deserve.

Erasing the Social Stigma~

              Good afternoon readers…..Im sitting here reflecting, thinking of what my journey with Bipolar has been like. I’m moved to tears, because I know what living with that monster inside is like.
Then I realize how far I’ve come. I know that one of my purposes on this earth besides Serving God is to   make a change, and I can do that by raising awareness and helping remove the stigma of what society thinks of those who struggle with this.

              So that’s my topic that I want to address. Social Stigma. Even the title is intimidating. Why a disease of the mind is is looked upon in today’s society, the way it is? Think about that for a moment. The human mind is so intriguing, it’s so complicated, so misunderstood yet so beautiful. Society is so afraid of what they can’t see, or in reality what they can’t understand. People think that those who deal with mental health can’t function. They think we have nothing to offer and that we can’t be productive members of society. That’s their lack of   understanding, and the lack of knowledge.

              It’s heart breaking when you hear about someone who has dealt with depression and none wants to befriend them, as if those who come in contact with them are afraid, but of what? They are afraid of what they don’t understand, the fear of the unknown. We all can relate on some level, if you have to make a big life decision and you can’t see the outcome and its going to involve some big changes, your fearful of what you don’t know. But what a difference it will make, if you weigh those options, you do research, you seek guidance for wisdom from someone you trust, and then the   process is not quite as scary.

                  Part of erasing the stigma is raising more awareness, putting faces behind this disease. Yes society knows bipolar exists, but what they don’t always know is how a person with mental illness can function like WE DO, who can be productive members of society LIKE WE ARE. Who can see their dreams come true and who can be wonderful parents and great friends, and just all around great people. What society needs to realize is its real and though it affects the mind, its no different than other diseases, because real individuals suffer in silence because they are afraid of what others will think. Help me raise the standards higher, but showing our world that bipolar is not something to be fearful of, all we ask is to be treated with Love and respect and  given a chance to be understood and Accepted without reserve

Importance of Hospitalization~ On The Outside Looking In with Hope~

                             A young 16 year old girl with a tear stained face, lies on a cot in the emergency room, a cold, lonely room with white walls, and a tall security guard stands outside her door, because she is on suicide watch.

                           I knew I needed to write an entry in my blog, about hospitalizations, about my experiences when I was admitted, and what good can come from getting help to become stable. I’m 35 years old now, it’s been 12 long years since the last time I walked the halls of a psychiatric hospital ward. I want to speak words of strength and comfort into your life, right now, I want you to know that you’re not alone, I’ve experienced the fear, the anger, the refusal, the not knowing what was on the other side of that door that would close behind me and lock.

                     I never thought, I would end up needing to go there, I never thought I would spend my mid teens to early twenties in and out of a place like that. No not me, I had a storybook childhood, I never was abused, I had a loving family and amazing friends. We all have problems, so what made me feel so different and how did I end up there from where I was, a happy, carefree child surrounded by love all around me.

                  My very first hospitalization happened when I was 16 after a suicide attempt, my fiancé don brought me, and he had to wrestle a knife out of my hands. I had never been so scared in all my life, I really was depressed, but then fear took over when I was told that I could not leave and I was on a 72 hour suicide watch.

              When we arrived there, at the ER, a case worked from the psychiatric unit came down to evaluate me, they would ask a bunch of questions, it all just slurred together. It was as if I was a in a slow motion dream, that I could not wake from. But then a Wave of release came over me, I knew after talking that I needed help and it was such a release, a sense that I was going to be able to get the help I needed and be in a safe environment, while I got that help. Fear Gripped me, when I walked down that long corridor to the door at the end of the hall.

           By no means did I want to be there; locked away, told I can’t leave, unable to see anyone for a few days really didn’t know what I was in for, the intense meetings with my case worker and doctor. The 15 minute, then half hour checks, which they would take anything away that I could hurt myself with. The daily group meeting, where we all would tell the group how we were feeling, why we were there, and what our goals for the day was, and what we hoped to get out of our stay.

           In the beginning I fought being there, but as the days wore on I realized they were there to help me get stable, to adjust my meds and to keep me safe. I looked forward to the visiting hours, when I could see my parents and don my fiancé yes I got engaged early and don was 22 at the time, and yes were still together, been together a total of 18 years, married 15.My doctors included my family and don in my treatment plan, I did get a lot out of that first time. I knew that don was the one I wanted to be with the rest of my life, that night in the ER, because we had only been dating a short time, and he stayed by my side, late into the morning hours holding my hand in his, looking at me with concerned gentle eyes, Only to have to go to work the next morning knew I had found a keeper.

              That first hospital stay took place at 16, it wasn’t until we got married when I was a few months shy of my 20^th birthday, that first year of marriage was when I was diagnosed with the bipolar and I became unstable once again. Within the first 9 months of our marriage I was in and out of the hospital 7 times, yes you read that right. You ask how did our newlywed marriage last those turbulent times, well I can honestly say God, the pre marital counseling we had prepared us, and we knew when we took our vows it was in sickness and in health. We loved each other, he truly is my soul mate, and we had a supportive family, both my parents and his.

         The bond I had with my mother in law, she dealt with depression too, and she gave much love and support and encouragement to don, when things just felt too much to bear, and he was scared he would lose me, she was such a comfort to him and of course to me. I don’t know how I would of survived those hospital stays if don wasn’t by my side, always telling me, I could get through this, and one day, id look back on this and I would be sharing my testimony on what I’ve been through and helping others.

        I know it’s a scary thing, but let me tell you its more scary when you’re afraid of yourself and what your capable of doing, no one wants to feel depressed, a lot of times, when those feelings hit, it’s not so much you wanted to die, but you desperately needed the emotional pain to just subside and you wanted to feel, without feeling like you were going to step off the edge of your sanity.

             Sometimes hospitalization needs to take place because you’re a threat to yourself or maybe its just that you need a medication adjustment and that’s the best place to do it, because a lot of times, it’s a trial and error, and if they have to take you off medication, so that they can start you on new ones you need to be in a safe, professional environment so the bipolar doesn’t take over. It’s ok to be afraid,, but there is no shame on getting the proper help and monitoring of your meds. Your Life , there is no price that can be put on it, so please, take that step if you feel the need arise, be open to what help they can give you, the more open you are to getting help, the sooner the bipolar can become.

         If I can answer any questions, id be more than happy to, this is part of my past, but im stable and have been for 10 years, I have a future, God is faithful, and he will show you your purpose, I couldn’t see it then, but I was going to use the pain, and my story to help anyone who came across my path. I’m here to encourage you and walk  with you on this journey, even when the skies become dark and Hope is but a thread, tie a knot and hold on, because your worth it… you’re SO WORTH IT~

What Emotions do I listen to?

              Another day has just about come to a close, and it was a good day, I spent the afternoon with my cousin Amiee and we had a nice time catching up, and we watched the dvd movie of my husband and my 10^th vow renewal from 2008, and since she was not there for it, I got to share it still with her because my other cousin Melissa, recorded it for us.  And so my readers you know don and I have now been married 15 joyous years. I enjoy days that I can just be in the moment and enjoy those that are in my life.

                  So the topic I want to address  in this entry is “What emotions do we listen to “We know with bipolar and with life in general, it as though we ride a roller coaster daily, sometimes even hourly. Life is full of ups, downs, celebrations and times of tears. Just like in Ecclesiastes 3, tells us, there is a season for everything under heaven. The reason why I included that in here is, it’s not just those who deal with bipolar that experience overwhelming feelings, and can be taken for a ride by the emotions they feel, and can get caught up in the moment of despair or happiness.

              Now that I pointed that out, there are two reasons I wanted to discuss this topic, first, the last few days I’ve been in a slump, not because of the bipolar, which has been in check, but because of my chronic pain from my bladder disease, that I deal with and feeling overwhelmed, I wasn’t sleeping well and it did start to wear on my emotions.

                 I was having bad thoughts, and yes they were just thoughts, I just wanted to cry, I felt like the tears would not stop falling from my eyes. I felt  extreme guilt, because I can’t work, because of my health, but I realized I can’t let myself go there to those thoughts, I can’t get pulled in, and under the blackness and let despair take over and make it its home in my mind and heart. I also know how much those who deal with bipolar struggle within themselves, it can become a vicious cycle, because we know after we become depressed, and we say or do something that hurts ourselves or others guilt then sets in. Then the cycle begins all over again.

                So what emotions do we listen to? How do we filter out the reality of the situation were in or the reality of what the truth is versus how we feel at that moment. Its not easy, it something that takes time. For example, I’ve been feeling last few days, that I was worthless, but I KNOW that to be false why because first off, I’m a CHILD of God.

              I have a purpose on this earth. Second I didn’t feel loved, but I know that my husband loves me, he shows me in his actions every day, I know my family loves me by  them standing by me and being there for me when I’ve needed them. I know my friends love me, they tell me and show me in their actions. I felt like I was a burden to my husband, but that’s not the reality, its how I felt, I can’t help  how my health, physical health has taken its toll on my body, so I can’t blame myself for that. Our feelings can change, we know at times with the drop of a pin, were happy then you’re feeling sad, then you might be on top of the world.

             One thing I’ve learned over the years from dealing with Bipolar, and being able to get it in check and be stable is WE are our OWN worst enemy sometimes. We expect so much from ourselves, we beat ourselves up when we feel we fall short of others expectations or our own. Another very important aspect is what we put in our lives affects how we handle life’s problems and how we see the world and those around us. 

              When we fill our lives with hope and faith, and uplifting people then we are more apt to see through the false emotions that try to pull us down. It’s not easy and I won’t pretend it is. We know with bipolar, life can be going fine and we feel hopeless at times, we feel no one loves us and everyone would be better off without us, but that’s just not the case, you are LOVED beyond words by the very one who created you. No one can do as good of a job fulfilling your purpose, other than YOU.

             So when you feel depressed, don’t beat yourself up, God gave us emotions, not just the good, but sadness to, if the eye never cried, how could we appreciate, the joy in this life. Its how we deal with our feelings that matters, remember we can feel a certain way, but that doesn’t mean that’s the reality. Now let me make sure you understand, I’ve had a terrible time with my depression over the years, I hated how it made me feel, but all of it has made me stronger.

            You can fight this monster. You can rise above the pain. You can let it define you or REFINE you into the person God has meant you to be, my journey hasn’t been easy, but I’m using my story to help you all through this blog, I’m being honest with you all, sharing with you the good and the bad. I will close with this. Feelings come, and feeling go, but don’t let those fleeting feelings take over what is really true, God loves you and I do too , my precious readers. You will come out on the other side, it may be raining now, but the rain has to stop and the sun has to shine AGAIN!

               

The Dignosis of Bipolar~ part 2 of my story~

           My story continues, its my joy to share my journey with you, because my prayer is that something you read will connect with you on some level. As you read in my first part of my story, my depression started at 13, and it just progress worse and worse as the years wore on. I kept going through the emotions, I kept faking my smile, scared of what those sound me would think if they knew I was falling apart at the seams. Yet you only can hide it for so long, until those around you see through the painted smile and tear stained face.

            I can only imagine how difficult it was for my parents watching their only child suffer in silence, while they did all they could to support me and get me the help I needed. I felt inside as if I was fading fast, I was holding by a thread. Then there was Don, the wonderful guy I started dating at age 16 and yes to this day we can say we are happily married for 15 years. I know it was very hard on him as well, like my parents he felt helpless in making things better, so many times I told him I can’t keep fighting this monster, I would look him in the yes and say, it’s going to win don, it’s going to take me out of this world, whether I want to go or not, I was losing my fight inside of me.

          My first hospitalization was at age 16, I remember it like it was yesterday, don took me to the hospital and he stayed by my side most of the night, while they were observing me. I knew that night at the young tender age of 16 that don was the man I wanted to spend my life with, he showed me how much he loved me that night in the cold ER room, holding my hand, rubbing it ever so gently, reassuring me, he wasn’t going to leave my side.

           When Don and I got married, it just got worse; it wasn’t until the year we got married at age 19, that I was diagnosed with my Bipolar. It was also that year that things took a drastic turn for the worse, within the first 9 months of our marriage I was in the psych ward 7 times. It was as if we were living in the delicate balance of the disease, tipping from severe depression to manic highs. I was eventually diagnosed as  being a rapid cycler, my moods would change within   days or even hours, I never knew how I would feel and neither did  my loving  husband,  when he left for work, he never knew what he would come home to.

           Some of those were voluntary, but most were because I was a danger to myself and needed to be stabilized. Never in a million years prior to my first one at age 16, did I think I would be locked away in a psychiatric hospital, never mind  8 more times. I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared all those times, to be honest I was more scared of myself and what I was capable of doing to myself than being hospitalized or even  the bipolar itself.

          Some of those times were because I was suicidal, other times just to stabilize my meds. The most help I got, even though the doctors were there to help me was from other fellow patients, sharing their stories and being there to talk to. I loved the groups, and all I got out of them, yes there were times I was resistant to the help, but other times as the time went on I embraced it all and what I could get out from it. Was tough being locked away, in a place that was not my own, where the doors locked behind you and you could not leave. It was important though to get the help.

          It was a long, tiresome journey, it was trial and error or trying to get stabilized and find the right meds. I look back and reflect on how far I’ve come, I was up to 24 pills a day for many years, and now im on 2, been STABLE for years. I’m thankful im alive, because with all the suicide attempts I made, more than I can count, GOD was watching out for me. When someone deals with mental illness like bipolar and they become suicidal, they can’t even think clearly, they can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel or any Hope. You have people walk out of your life because they don’t understand or don’t want to understand anymore and that hurts more than anything.

      It strained our marriage at times, it wore on dons strength and if it wasn’t for His faith in God and his parents and my parents and friends support, we never would of gotten through those rocky years. We did though, we came out and we came out much stronger than ever before.