A young 16 year old girl with a tear stained
face, lies on a cot in the emergency room, a cold, lonely room with white
walls, and a tall security guard stands outside her door, because she is on
suicide watch.
I knew I needed to write an entry in my blog, about hospitalizations,
about my experiences when I was admitted, and what good can come from getting
help to become stable. I’m 35 years old now, it’s been 12 long years since the
last time I walked the halls of a psychiatric hospital ward. I want to speak
words of strength and comfort into your life, right now, I want you to know
that you’re not alone, I’ve experienced the fear, the anger, the refusal, the
not knowing what was on the other side of that door that would close behind me
and lock.
I
never thought, I would end up needing to go there, I never thought I would spend
my mid teens to early twenties in and out of a place like that. No not me, I had
a storybook childhood, I never was abused, I had a loving family and amazing
friends. We all have problems, so what made me feel so different and how did I end
up there from where I was, a happy, carefree child surrounded by love all
around me.
My very first hospitalization happened
when I was 16 after a suicide attempt, my fiancé don brought me, and he had to
wrestle a knife out of my hands. I had never been so scared in all my life, I really
was depressed, but then fear took over when I was told that I could not leave
and I was on a 72 hour suicide watch.
When we arrived there, at the ER, a case
worked from the psychiatric unit came down to evaluate me, they would ask a
bunch of questions, it all just slurred together. It was as if I was a in a
slow motion dream, that I could not wake from. But then a Wave of release came
over me, I knew after talking that I needed help and it was such a release, a
sense that I was going to be able to get the help I needed and be in a safe environment,
while I got that help. Fear Gripped me, when I walked down that long corridor
to the door at the end of the hall.
By no means did I want to be there; locked
away, told I can’t leave, unable to see anyone for a few days really didn’t know
what I was in for, the intense meetings with my case worker and doctor. The 15
minute, then half hour checks, which they would take anything away that I could
hurt myself with. The daily group meeting, where we all would tell the group
how we were feeling, why we were there, and what our goals for the day was, and
what we hoped to get out of our stay.
In the
beginning I fought being there, but as the days wore on I realized they were there
to help me get stable, to adjust my meds and to keep me safe. I looked forward
to the visiting hours, when I could see my parents and don my fiancé yes I got
engaged early and don was 22 at the time, and yes were still together, been together
a total of 18 years, married 15.My doctors included my family and don in my
treatment plan, I did get a lot out of that first time. I knew that don was the
one I wanted to be with the rest of my life, that night in the ER, because we
had only been dating a short time, and he stayed by my side, late into the
morning hours holding my hand in his, looking at me with concerned gentle eyes,
Only to have to go to work the next morning knew I had found a keeper.
That first
hospital stay took place at 16, it wasn’t until we got married when I was a few
months shy of my 20th birthday, that first year of marriage was when
I was diagnosed with the bipolar and I became unstable once again. Within the
first 9 months of our marriage I was in and out of the hospital 7 times, yes
you read that right. You ask how did our newlywed marriage last those turbulent
times, well I can honestly say God, the pre marital counseling we had prepared
us, and we knew when we took our vows it was in sickness and in health. We
loved each other, he truly is my soul mate, and we had a supportive family,
both my parents and his.
The bond I had
with my mother in law, she dealt with depression too, and she gave much love
and support and encouragement to don, when things just felt too much to bear, and
he was scared he would lose me, she was such a comfort to him and of course to me.
I don’t know how I would of survived those hospital stays if don wasn’t by my
side, always telling me, I could get through this, and one day, id look back on
this and I would be sharing my testimony on what I’ve been through and helping
others.
I know it’s a scary
thing, but let me tell you its more scary when you’re afraid of yourself and
what your capable of doing, no one wants to feel depressed, a lot of times,
when those feelings hit, it’s not so much you wanted to die, but you desperately
needed the emotional pain to just subside and you wanted to feel, without
feeling like you were going to step off the edge of your sanity.
Sometimes
hospitalization needs to take place because you’re a threat to yourself or
maybe its just that you need a medication adjustment and that’s the best place
to do it, because a lot of times, it’s a trial and error, and if they have to
take you off medication, so that they can start you on new ones you need to be
in a safe, professional environment so the bipolar doesn’t take over. It’s ok
to be afraid,, but there is no shame on getting the proper help and monitoring
of your meds. Your Life , there is no price that can be put on it, so please,
take that step if you feel the need arise, be open to what help they can give
you, the more open you are to getting help, the sooner the bipolar can become.
If I can
answer any questions, id be more than happy to, this is part of my past, but im
stable and have been for 10 years, I have a future, God is faithful, and he
will show you your purpose, I couldn’t see it then, but I was going to use the
pain, and my story to help anyone who came across my path. I’m here to
encourage you and walk with you on this
journey, even when the skies become dark and Hope is but a thread, tie a knot
and hold on, because your worth it… you’re SO WORTH IT~
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