Our Scars Tell Our Story~

                    We all have a story to tell. We all have a past of where we’ve been and what we’ve been through. Some of that pain leaves deep emotional scars in our lives, scars that may take years to heal. We can’t put a time frame on the Healing of the pain in our hearts, but scars do heal in time. Scars tell our story, not only of the pain, but how far we have come in our journey. I want to look at it this way, ive fought a tiresome and long war, and the scars that I have from my years of self injury are my battle wounds, they remind me, of what I’ve overcome. They remind me how thankful iam to God, for bring me through a very dark time in my life.

                  My journey with self injury began at the young age of 13, it was how I coped with all the bullying I was dealing with in school. There were times if felt like the razor was my only friend, it went from something I tried to a Daily living nightmare, every day I either cut, or the idea of doing it clouded my thinking. I felt trapped, like a prisoner within myself. The more I did it the more addicted I became.

                It got to the point I felt like it was my only release, my only way to cope. It was my dark deep secret. I didn’t want to deal with emotional pain or stress. I would hurt myself on the outside to numb the pain on the inside, other times I did it to punish myself because I always felt like a failure, I felt as if I failed God and everyone who I loved.

               At times I felt like a old used ragdoll. I felt dirty from the  sexual assault that happened when I was 16, I felt tattered and worn and I did not love myself and though I knew people loved me, I didn’t feel worthy of their love, I didn’t want it. Why would they love me, I wasn’t worthy. Not even of God’s love I felt. Look at me I would say as I looked in the mirror with sad empty eyes staring back at me.

                 It became my safety net; my safe place to hide. It really had taken over who I was. At that time I asked who I was. I had been a Christian all my life, and I didn’t even feel worthy of his love. It was my secret. Its why I wore long sleeves to school, and in the early years of our marriage why when Don would ask if I cut, id lie and say no. covering up what I was struggling with became like second nature.

                 I was afraid to even tell my best friends afraid they would not understand or walk away from me. I asked over and over was this going to be my life. Was this the way id cope? It was just a vicious cycle. Such shame followed me.

            What people who don’t understand Self injury have to understand is this, self injury is not usually about wanting to end one’s life, self injury is trying to find a way to deal with ones pain and circumstances. It was my distorted view of coping. When I say distorted, I mean, you think at that time you have no choice, you don’t realize there are healthy coping skills out there. I thought it was normal. It had become such a part of me I knew nothing else.

             Self injury is about trying to survive, that’s what you see through the eyes of someone who self injures. Until your given those tools and resources to learn to cope in healthy ways, until that moment your pulled to it, its like a magnet a force that can’t be reckoned with. The cycle would play over and over every day, stress, feeling overwhelmed, feeling guilty, sh, then guilt, depressed, sh.I started small until it became bigger than I. I knew I needed help.  I finally realized help was out there. It would take time to learn.

             It was through God and intense counseling with a understanding and kind therapist to help me see things clearly, not through my distorted cloudy view any longer. I was hurting on the inside, we had to deal with that pain, and we had to deal with the reasons behind my actions, so I could deal with my addiction of hurting myself. I learned the healthy coping skills. It was as if a priceless gift had been handed to me, I saw Hope, I saw the future for once didn’t seem so bleak and dark.

           I saw myself through Gods eyes a treasure, a daughter of his. I learned to talk out my feelings, not to spell out my pain on my body. I learned to not pretend that my feelings weren’t there. I learned to not run or be afraid. I had to face it head on. When I finally did, the healing began, not all at once, but little by little, I realized I no longer need that razor. I was coming out of a long darkness.

            After 12 Long years of self injury I was set FREE, of the bondage that once held me in such a deep pit. Here I ‘am   free of it for 10 years!!!!!Do the thoughts ever pass through, yes but I can fight them off now.  I have the Victory in Christ, A supportive husband who stood by me who lived out his vows every single day of that dark time. my friends and family. Recovery is Possible! Not on my own strength alone No. but like Philippians 4:13 says: We can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us~