A Disease with two faces~

                     Hello readers hope you guys had a good day today. So I was sitting at my desk trying to think what my next entry would be in this blog; there are so many different topics that those dealing with mental illness struggle with, and I hope to eventually touch upon them all in some way.

                   I decided to write about dealing with Mania. I talked briefly about what depression is like and now I want to discuss the polar opposite of this disease. Bipolar for those who might not know or understand have 2 different main components to it. From the heart wrenching depression where you feel hopeless to the Mania where you feel as though you’re on top of the world and nothing or no one can hold you back, it’s as though you feel your untouchable.

             I can recall years ago when my bipolar ugly head reared and it was running rampant in my life. I remember like it was yesterday those days I would wake with boundless energy, where I could go days without sleep, where my words were all slurred together, because when I spoke it all just all was as if I was rambling on. My thoughts were so jumbled and my mind raced, that’s one of the many things I  hated about the mania, I felt as if my mind could not slow down, I couldn’t turn my thoughts off. Which was so exhausting?

                   People with bipolar; usually deal with one of these more frequently than the other. I had my share of mania, but I usually dealt more with the depression aspect of this. There were days I felt as if I was climbing out of my own skin and that’s a terrible feeling. Like I wrote about in my last entry about the important role medications plays in  keeping this disease stable, this is one of the reasons, its so important, to balance  out the chemicals in our brains.

                I can say there were something good that came out of the mania, and that was having the amount of energy I did, because when I was under the cloud of depression, my energy was gone, so those times when the mania would kick in, I took full advantage of I, and got my housework done and took care of things I had been neglecting to do. On the other hand, along with the mania came the feeling I did not need sleep, which is a huge role in helping people who deal with bipolar stay stable and able to function. One thing you find is stress triggers bipolar, lack of sleep affects our minds or ability to make good judgments and will play havoc on our emotions and mental well being.

                  During a manic episode as they are called, I couldn’t always think rationally and when lack of sleep is thrown into the picture, it made for a scary situation. Though during a manic episode I felt so happy, I felt carefree, I felt I could do anything I wanted to do and nothing would stand in my way. Though in the back of my head, I knew I would crash and I would come off that manic high and come crashing down into another deep depression, which was always my fear.There are other aspects of mania, like spending foolishly or in some cases dealing with   dangerous sexual behavior, but not everyone affects each person with the mania.

                   It was like a roller coaster I was on every day, yet I could not get off of it, and I never knew how I’d feel, from day to day, or moment to moment. Bipolar affects people differently, some live more on the manic side and others more in the pit of depression, it’s like your teetering between the two worlds, one is where the sun is shining and you hold your head high and say I can do anything, and the other, you feel like you’re carrying a heavy load on your shoulder, and its pressing you down.

          It was with my faith played a role in helping me cope, seeing a therapist regularly and being on the proper medication to help even things out. Later on I will discuss the other components of bipolar, mixed episodes and rapid cycling. So until next time, Keep fighting, Live the best you can in the moment and always remember there is hope out there.

The Important role of Proper Medication and Montoring~

                                   Good afternoon Readers. I hope and pray that today is not a bad day for you. I know all too well how quickly moods change with Bipolar and depression. This entry is going to address the topic of the importance of medication and how it plays a very vital role in staying stable and being able to function.

                                I know who likes to have to take meds? They do play a role in how well you will be able to function from day to day. Don’t get me wrong Medication is not the end all solution, its only part of the very big puzzle that we need to have put together. It’s a combined effort of a Good therapist, one that you feel comfortable with, it’s learning healthy coping skills, it’s figuring out what medications will work for you, because just like we are all different as people, medications affect people differently.

                           One thing I’ve learned over the years of dealing with bipolar is I had to be very open and honest with my psychiatrist, so they could help me figure out what combination of meds would work best for me. I also learned as time went on to do my research, most meds out there will have some kind of side effects, trying to figure out which ones have the least amount is important. Its about weighting the pros and the Cons.

               Like I said no one likes to take medicine, but it’s out there to help us and there is no shame in taking it. But I will state this right now, there is no magic pill, there is no happy pill, yes it sounds wonderful maybe, but, dealing with mental illness is also about learning healthy skills to help you cope with things that trigger the depression and mania.

           I’m no therapist, but I dealt with Bipolar on a very severe scale for many years. I had it all counseling for years, medications up to 24 pills a day. And in and out of the hospital, now im stable. I have been for years, when I went on to college; I even took psychology courses because I understood it so well and was fascinated by how the human brain works.

            I remember those roller coaster days, when my moods were ever changing and I never knew how I would feel from moment to moment. When I did find the right combination of meds years ago and I started my new routine of taking them every morning, afternoon and evening, after a while I started to feel better. So I thought I don’t need my medication anymore, the thing was the reason I was feeling better, was because the medication was working. But sometimes dealing with bipolar, we can’t think clearly, we can’t see the whole picture and I was quick to stop taking them, I felt I no longer needed them.

        This is where it can be very dangerous, not just because the medication helps us function, but also because since some of more severe side effects than others, it’s not safe to abruptly stop them, especially without a doctor’s consent. Be honest with your doctor, there were times I needed more meds than other times and higher doses, but those were times and seasons, remember it’s not just about the medications it’s about talking out your feelings, learning coping skills, so when the stress hits and the emotions rage, then you will be able to act rationally and not act out on those feelings. Above all having Hope, my FAITH has helped me so much and of course a healthy support system in place is important as well!

It's not just a bad day~so Why am I So Depressed?

                       Depression is more than just a bad day. We all have bad days. When the car won’t start, and your late to work, and the kids are fighting, and your misplace your keys, ok you get the picture. Then of course you can be depressed if you get laid off from your job, or a friend you were close to abruptly stops the friendship or your marriage is on the rocks, or you or someone you love is sick and of course death, something no one of can avoid. Some depression is circumstantial based on what’s going on in your life at the time.

                 What happens though when it becomes much more of a issue, and at times things seem to be going ok, but you still  feel depressed, your withdrawing from those you love and aren’t finding joy in anything anymore, you can’t pull yourself up .Nothing anyone says makes you feel any better. Its then you realize this much more, and you then make a appointment to see a doctor.then the doctor diagnoses you with clinical depression or bipolar.clinical depression chemical imbalance in the brain,Bipolar is when you have episodes of Depression and then Mania and of course there are different types of bipolar, we will go into that later~

               There is no shame, there is such a stigma about mental illness and we need to speak up and be a voice, share our stories and stop hiding away from the world. It’s not time for Defeat, it can be a scary time when you’ve never dealt with this before, but its treatable and people can function with the proper Doctors and counseling and a lot of times medication. There is no shame. If we don’t speak out then the stigma will remain, and people will make their own assumptions about it.

             Your story matters, you’re here for a reason, I’m not a College major in psychology, though when I was in college studying early childhood education, I did take some courses in psychology, but I have LIFE experience in it. I dealt with Depression from the time I was 13 until 19, then at age 19 was diagnosed with Bipolar, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks, and I was on just about ever medication that was out there for Bipolar/depression. Yes I’ve done research on this too and I ve had some people in my life very close to me that have dealt with these things too. So I understand, yes doctors go to school to learn how the brain works and know all about the disorders and how they each affect people.

               Yet ask yourself how many of those doctors have experienced depression, bipolar first hand, who know what it feels like to be so defeated you’ve lost hope, whose  moods change as quickly as the seasons come and go. Who have walked through the doors of a psych ward and been locked away because they were a danger to themselves? Who are so scared of themselves? 
               Depression is an Ugly Monster than can come in quietly and Wreck havoc in our lives loudly, but there is Hope! And that’s why I’m doing this blog to help you see through that darkness you’re in; there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Part 1 of my STORY~ When Depression reared its Head~

                           This blog would not be complete if I did not share my Story, of dealing with Bipolar. I’m not just going to encourage you; I want to share with you what I’ve been through. When did it start, and how did it affect me and those closest to me. So let’s go back to my teen years. I want to say I had what many would call a story book childhood, loving parents, a home full of love and I was always surrounded by family and friends. Then all changed as I entered my teen years. My surroundings did not change, but something inside of me did.

                         I went through my normal routine with school and family gatherings, but slowly I started to isolate myself more and more, my parents did not know what to make of this new behavior, they thought at first it was just teen hormones, but it became very evident  pretty quickly that this was much more than normal teen mood swings. I started to feel depressed, I had a tough time in junior high and high school and I missed a lot of school because I was so depressed and was bullied a lot, which of course added to the depression. I was only 13 and I felt like my world was falling apart at the seams, I was so afraid, I was afraid of myself and how quickly my moods would change. My grades were slipping and I was sinking deeper and deeper, into a pit of despair that I could not pull myself up from.

              My parents scheduled me to see a therapist the following week. My youth group was getting ready to go away for a winter retreat, on the outside I was so excited, inside I was scared, would I be accepted, there was a boy that I liked and he would be going on the retreat too, to make a long story short, he didn’t like me in the way I liked him and I took it very hard, but a lot more was going on than just upset about that crush I had, it just triggered the depression  and I became suicidal. When we returned from the retreat my youth leader spoke to my parents and my parents got me in to see a councilor the very next day.

     For the very first time I was sitting across the room from a therapist, hearing the words your suffering with clinical depression and she went on to tell me she would be putting me on antidepressants and on and on she went. This was all so new to me, I felt overwhelmed just by everything I was hearing. I had a lot of support though from my parents and her and our  friends, but of course there were friends who just did not understand, who told me the words that cut me like a  knife “I can’t handle being your friend” or why can’t you just snap out of this. If only they thought before they spoke, so I can say I lost a lot of SO CALLED friends. Anyone who knows me knows I’m loyal to my friends’ was taught to have friends you need to be a FRIEND. Love each other through the good and bad times, but to some people those words mean nothing.

        It was also during my early teens that I started to self injuring, to help me cope with these ever changing moods. I started doing it almost every day for awhile. It was if my razor blade was my only friend, and since I was isolating myself so much, it was a vicious cycle of depression, and guilt and then I would punish myself if I could not deal, I will go into the topic of SH later in the blog, because it something I dealt with for over 12 years and have now been FREE of it for 10 YEARS.

   I have so much I want to share with you. I have so much I want to encourage you with. I know there are a bunch of topics that a lot of you are dealing with, some of you have just been diagnosed, and some have been fighting this inner monster for years.

  Sadly this was just the beginning of this very long journey for me,Here i'am at 35 now, and I can THANK GOD I’m still here and doing Really well mentally and can now share my life experiences with you and let you know there is still HOPE~

Depression Intro~

                            Depression is such an ugly word. It’s as though you feel like your Pressed down and you can go on. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s a inward fight daily to survive the thoughts that seem to try to take over our minds. To push through, to keep on keeping on, when all you want to do is to curl up in that bed of yours, and pull the covers over your head and escape the world outside those 4 walls.

                         I had years of therapy, some were very good therapists, others not so much. No one knows us better than those who suffer with this disease. I want this blog to be as relatable as I can make it not just someone who has done research, and trying to understand. That’s not the case at all, because im someone who has lived with this, who dealt with this day in and day out and has come out on the other side with a better understanding of the disease and who I’m and what my triggers are. Who has learned healthy coping skills and boundaries to not let stress get the best of me.

            This blog will take you into the mind of someone who has dealt with bipolar, who has a passion to help others deal with it. I’ve found my reason to be happy. I understand that when you suffer with Bipolar, your depressed and most of the times, you don’t even know why, but we know it’s a chemical imbalance in our brains, which in my next entry ill go into much more details. It’s learning to accept what we can’t change, to not try to live up to everyone’s expectations. It’s about growing and learning.

                It truly is a process, a very slow one at times. It’s about learning to have a new perspective on life, because let’s be honest we see life through different eyes. It’s about not focusing on what will bring me down, but keeping my eyes focused on how far I’ve come, A journey of mountaintops and valleys, A journey that’s brought me here to this point in my life. To a point I can encourage and offer Hope to you, I used to look at depression as if I was pressed down, but now I see it as I PRESS ON….I’m going to finish this race, and with Christ I WILL finish well!