This blog would not be complete if I did not share my Story, of dealing
with Bipolar. I’m not just going to encourage you; I want to share with you
what I’ve been through. When did it start, and how did it affect me and those
closest to me. So let’s go back to my teen years. I want to say I had what many
would call a story book childhood, loving parents, a home full of love and I was
always surrounded by family and friends. Then all changed as I entered my teen years.
My surroundings did not change, but something inside of me did.
I went through my normal routine with school and family gatherings, but
slowly I started to isolate myself more and more, my parents did not know what
to make of this new behavior, they thought at first it was just teen hormones,
but it became very evident pretty
quickly that this was much more than normal teen mood swings. I started to feel
depressed, I had a tough time in junior high and high school and I missed a lot
of school because I was so depressed and was bullied a lot, which of course
added to the depression. I was only 13 and I felt like my world was falling
apart at the seams, I was so afraid, I was afraid of myself and how quickly my
moods would change. My grades were slipping and I was sinking deeper and deeper,
into a pit of despair that I could not pull myself up from.
My
parents scheduled me to see a therapist the following week. My youth group was
getting ready to go away for a winter retreat, on the outside I was so excited,
inside I was scared, would I be accepted, there was a boy that I liked and he
would be going on the retreat too, to make a long story short, he didn’t like
me in the way I liked him and I took it very hard, but a lot more was going on
than just upset about that crush I had, it just triggered the depression and I became suicidal. When we returned from
the retreat my youth leader spoke to my parents and my parents got me in to see
a councilor the very next day.
For the very
first time I was sitting across the room from a therapist, hearing the words
your suffering with clinical depression and she went on to tell me she would be
putting me on antidepressants and on and on she went. This was all so new to
me, I felt overwhelmed just by everything I was hearing. I had a lot of support
though from my parents and her and our
friends, but of course there were friends who just did not understand,
who told me the words that cut me like a
knife “I can’t handle being your friend” or why can’t you just snap out
of this. If only they thought before they spoke, so I can say I lost a lot of
SO CALLED friends. Anyone who knows me knows I’m loyal to my friends’ was
taught to have friends you need to be a FRIEND. Love each other through the
good and bad times, but to some people those words mean nothing.
It was also
during my early teens that I started to self injuring, to help me cope with
these ever changing moods. I started doing it almost every day for awhile. It was
if my razor blade was my only friend, and since I was isolating myself so much,
it was a vicious cycle of depression, and guilt and then I would punish myself
if I could not deal, I will go into the topic of SH later in the blog, because it
something I dealt with for over 12 years and have now been FREE of it for 10
YEARS.
I have so much I want
to share with you. I have so much I want to encourage you with. I know there are
a bunch of topics that a lot of you are dealing with, some of you have just
been diagnosed, and some have been fighting this inner monster for years.
Sadly this was just
the beginning of this very long journey for me,Here i'am at 35 now, and I can THANK GOD I’m still
here and doing Really well mentally and can now share my life experiences with
you and let you know there is still HOPE~
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